Forgive me
by LovelyDomination
Summary: When the damage is done, can you really be forgiven? Or are there some things that can never be fixed? ShizuoxIzaya. Oneshot.


"Izaya"

My own voice sounded far and distant to my ears. Pathetic, almost, in tone. If Izaya wasn't lying crumpled, eyes blank, he would have laughed. "Izaya!" I said his name louder and pulled a collapsed metal beam off his twisted body, throwing it behind me carelessly in my panic to reach him. _Why isn't he answering? _

"heh...heheh...you got me..." I felt some of the fear lift, when I heard the muffled noise escape him and saw his eyes move to meet mine in a lethargic daze. I was sure he would look at me with hatred; instead, he met my eyes with a cool amusement. Just like nothing had happened.

If he was doing it to make me feel better, it truthfully, made me feel worse. How could I have let this happen? To lose myself in my temper, I hated it. But to hurt a person this bad, even a creep like Izaya; That's unforgivable.

I really am a monster.

Crumbled plaster and wallboard fell apart as I reached Izaya and cleared the rubble away from his body. I felt my eyes moisten. I hated this. I hated what I did... what I've done. I hate myself for losing control.

Izaya looked awful. I wondered if I should even move him. He may die if I try.

When I did try he gasped out in pain and his eyes rolled back which prompted me to yell his name until he relayed that he hadn't died yet.

"...though I think those lungs of yours may actually finish me off." he chuckled.

"Goddamn it, Izaya. Why do you fuck with me?"

"Heh...because...it's fun, you know."

Shizuo gave Izaya an irritated glance, before sighing despondently, "Not for me, it isn't."

I wondered if he could feel the trembles that ran through my body as I began to cautiously retrieve my steps out of the wreckage, carrying him close to my body. There was a long silence. It was tense. I didn't feel the need to fill it, but apparently the flea thought otherwise. "So...why did Shizu-chan come to my rescue?"

Oh... "Well...wouldn't anyone? It's the right thing to do."

Izaya laughed shallowly, "I wouldn't."

"Huh...should've known." I look down at him sheepishly before continuing to trudge in silence. "But you aren't normal." Izaya seemed to be fighting a lack of consciousness...perhaps he was worried about falling asleep because of his injuries. Whether it was that or not, he continued to talk with me casually. Honestly, it was probably the longest conversation we've ever had. "...you didn't answer my question."

"Huh? Yes, I just did, Izaya...didn't you hear-"

"No...I asked 'why did you save _me'?_" Izaya eyes caught my attention. His intensity was likely offputting to everyone he met, but being this close to him and having him ask me all these questions was making me even more nervous than usual. If I hadn't been carrying him, I would probably be glancing around the room or fidgeting about now. "As in _me,_ personally, Shizuo. I thought you hated me."

"I do."

"You don't save people you hate..."

"SHUT UP, LOUSE." I stopped and tightened my grip in ire, "Do you want me to leave you here?!"

Izaya let out a yowl of pain that stopped the angry words from leaving my mouth and I dropped into a crouch, forcing myself to hold Izaya gentler than I had a second ago. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Fuck...

"Wow...alright. No need to apologize that much. It's weird coming from you."

"What are you..." I trailed off. Had I said that aloud?

I stood up again, slower this time, careful this time. Because of earlier, I guessed Izaya was reluctant to say anything. Instead, he laid quietly in my arms as I trudged toward Shinra's.

Ikebukuro was still busy, but it was beginning to wind down. It had begun to rain though, so most people were heading off or into cabs as quickly as they could. I would've done the same if Izaya wasn't with me. I'm not a fan of the rain. There's...just something so...sad about it.

"I love the rain." Izaya murmured and closed his eyes. I looked down at his pale face, that glowed brightly as the streetlights began to turn on with the darkening of the sky. He looked peaceful as the rain pattered against his eyes, lips. Running down his nose and cheeks like teardrops. I was in awe of how beautiful he could be... when he wasn't being such an asshole. "You're not dying on me right?" "Oh...can't a poor man enjoy his last moments in peace?" Izaya stuck one hand over an ear in jest, smirking as my frown deepened. "...as much as I admire your hatred for yourself, Shizuo. Really admirable, indeed! It won't get me to Shinra's faster."

"What are you saying? Are you telling me to lighten up?"

"I couldn't have said it better myself!"

"Tch...then just say that." I growled.

The sun was beginning to set when we reached Shinra's apartment complex. "We're here." Izaya said in a sing-song voice.

"You should stop talking." I mumbled, "You probably have internal bleeding. It might make it worse."

To my surprise, when I looked down Izaya was giving me a small smile. Though I could tell it was edged with pain, it felt reassuring to see him like that.

I sighed before setting my teeth and looking forward to avoid the man's prying eyes. "It doesn't matter who you are."

"Mmm?"

"You wanted to know my answer." I don't think I could feel more uncomfortable, but for some reason, I felt like it was important he knew.

Izaya waited for me to continue; I was hoping he wouldn't...

"...do...you think I like feeling like a freak? ….going out of control? That I enjoy being...a.. monster? No, Izaya...I hate it. And I never wanted to hurt you." I looked down at him. His face was pale and set in a pained grimace that I could see he was desperately trying to hide. There was a large bruise on his stomach where it seemed to me, I may have broken a few ribs, he couldn't move his right arm from the elbow down and both his legs looked mangled, perhaps broken, though I really hoped not. I felt a deep frustration for myself, and everything else, rise, "Why can't you just fucking leave me alone! This is what always happens."

My eyes blurred and I stumbled before righting myself against the wall. "I mean...look what I've done to you. I...I never...wanted this to..happen."

It was impossible. I couldn't avoid the tears that came as I slumped down in front of Shinra's apartment with Izaya still cradled in my arms. I hadn't wanted him to see me like this, but once you shed one tear, it's hopeless to stop them.

I felt ashamed when I saw Izaya's eyes widen in shock as I leaned over him and shook as sobs wracked my body. But nothing could have prepared me for what he did next.

I felt a hand circle around my neck, and he brought me face to face with him. His eyes seemed to smile as he looked at me warmly, and leaned close, a whisper in my ear.

"I forgive you."


End file.
